...this entry dedicated to Dr. Gary...

relatively speaking, i have been on this planet a very short time...but in that short time, i have experienced far too much, at far too an intense level...couple that with the fact that "methinks, i *think* too much"...i have come to many, many conclusions...about The Universe, about me, about others...here are some of those thoughts and beliefs...i won't claim any of this as an epiphany i just came to without help, Dr. Gary, would...with his odd, deceptively innocent, basset hound looks and his quirky ways...take his deadpan accurate, softly spoken, yet cast-iron skillet hard mode of calling a spade a spade, and use his tools on me...he'd sneak up on me, like an Apache...and take his high-top, designer gym shoe directly to my head...hard enough to rattle my teeth...and he'd set me to rights, then, point me in the right direction...thank you, Universe...thank you, Dr. Gary...both of you were *right on time*...

i used to have not just a chip, but the Prudential rock, sitting on my shoulder...i had NO clue how damn heavy that sucker was..whining again to Dr. Gary, my feelings...raw and rancid, curdling in my throat... about how horrible my life was and had been...about how other people were responsible for my misery...about how the Universe *owed* me better than what i got...about how life just wasn't fair...about how my mom sucked...about how my dad didn't suck, but my mom fucked that up...about how my stepdad sometimes sucked and sometimes didn't...who kept my world an uproar...how, in my rage at it all, i felt like the world could *go fuck itself*, and so could everyone in it, gawddammit! ::blahblahblah::...

Dr. Gary leaned forward, placed his elbows on his knees, rubbed his hands together in his usual gesturing, looked at his feet...after a few seconds, he raised his peach fuzz covered head and looked at me with those big, cow eyes of his, and...in the midst of my whiny, tiresome, oft-repeated, diatribe...and said to me...

"have you ever just stopped...and looked at your mother like she was a person you met on the street? without the expectations of perfection...
because we all know, moms are supposed to be perfect...they don't have wounds from their experiences, they don't have insecurities, they don't shut down and stay shut down longer than they should... television lied! she was supposed to be just like laura petrie! june cleaver!

yeah, right...

did you ever consider that maybe she loved you as best she could...given her scars...there must have been times when she did make you smile, or laugh...it couldn't have all been bad...why can't you forgive her, accept her for who she was...that she loved you the best she knew how...that she gave all she *could* give...however lower than YOUR expectations of a mom her actions were...can you learn to appreciate the good things about her, and forgive the rest? wouldn't you want to be forgiven? you're a mother, are you perfect?"

at bug-splat speed, i hit the wall.

as i oozed downward, the full gravity of his words sinking in...
something deep inside of me began changing...my core, forever altered...
with a little work, i began to view her...and everyone else i have ever known...with new eyes...eyes that could see worth, even when it isn't immediately apparent...that all things happen because they are supposed to...we all have lessons to learn...each of our souls requiring a different set of experiences...from the bible-thumping christian to the hard-core druggie.....from the seemingly perfect soccer mom to the depraved sociopath, whose mommy bond was broken...from the jet set socialite to the homeless man off the expressway ramp, holding a sign that says, "will work for food"...all of us are fucked in the head in some way...and if i stood any chance at all of ever having acceptance, love, understanding, patience, tolerance and forgiveness...i had to damn well learn that i needed to be in a place where i was capable of giving those things...to others as well as to myself...
i have developed some pretty strong beliefs since then...
i believe we are the energy we radiate...what we attract depends solely on what we emit..
i believe vengeance is unnecessary, what we do unto others will be done unto us...times three.
i believe my only entitlement is the pursuit of happiness...everything else i receive from life, i should be ready and able to deserve, because i've earned it, not because i think it is owed to me, if only because i am alive...
i believe in synchronicity, not coincidence...Wisdom and Direction whisper to us, we just have to be alert and quiet enough to hear it...
i believe everyone deserves a chance...some deserve 12 chances...some deserve 12 chances cubed...regret can be a bitter pill...if i can forgive them, maybe they can forgive me...
i believe in the power of *ghetto networking*::laughs::
i believe if i need a miracle, i need to be a miracle for someone else...miracles don't always come with the magnitude of moses parting the red sea...sometimes a miracle is a hand to hold and a kind word, exactly when you need them most...sometimes it's being freed from *prison* (whatever that prison may be) when you're falsely accused...sometimes it's a few hot meals and a safe place to lay your head...if i have it to give, i will and should...i may need a miracle one day, too.
i believe *God* IS the collective conscious...the energy of every living thing connected to the energy of every other living thing...our actions rippling out...like tiny waves of water after tossing in a stone...affecting everything in it's outward-growing path...
1) honor *God*...whoever *God* is to you.
2) honor yourself, if you don't you won't be honored by others.
3) honor others, if you don't, you can't expect them to return that honor.
it works for me.

03.25.09 / 2:05 p.m.